My daughters friend on meth

I am made to feel bad for being concerned a friend of my daughter growing up has turned to meth, and I saw it coming... I am the one crazy for saying so. I sit here tonight, wondering how this can happen. I guess I need not care? it is strange my kids act like I am over reacting. They don't remember the time my daughters best friends parents went to jail for stealing for meth. We took in the eldest girl, while the parents were in prison so she could finish the school year out and her little sister was young enough to stay with her grandparents.

I am in tears tonight because they have not a clue how serious this is, I guess I am not supposed to care about a little girl named Allison.

Am I crazy?

Grandma's Begonia

I saw a very interesting talk on TED about living things and how long some can live. Most were plants. I was amazed to learn our Montana birch trees can live a hundreds of years. That grove in the gulch up the mountain side is one plant that has been there a very long time. It is the root system that makes it's long life possible.
Then I remembered Grandma's Begonia. I wish I knew were she got it, but she had one, then gave a cutting to her daughters who then gave one to their daughters, and I plan on giving a cutting to my daughter. Therefore this one plant will out live generations of my family. This Begonia is invincible, it is a hardy plant that grows like a weed. It can sit in the same pot of soil for a decade and still prosper. It is up to myself and my sister to ensure this plant continues on through the next generation and hopefully beyond. Is that not amazing!

The Funeral

It was much worse than I expected, especially because it was my Granma. It was a horrible experience.

Because my Grandmother was not a church goer, the ceremony was at the local senior center. But, my uncle, a born again christian, just had to ask a retired "preacher" to speak at his mother's funeral. It was awful. Why , Why does everyone put up with this crap! I would say half of the people at Grandma's funeral were Catholics and not practicing Catholics at that. And the rest of us are not "religous". OMG it was bad, the invited preacher, did exaclty what he was supposed to do. Promote Protestant Christianty. Booooooo
It was very difficult to sit there and listen to this guy. Of course to my horror, the first song was...guess, The song I dislike the very most. Noone I mean Noone really understands what is going on. It kills me. After the funeral, my mother and brother commented about those "born agains" So, if they really feel like that, then why do they put up with it? This funeral was not for my Grandmother, my mom or her sister, but their fundamentalist brother. They did all the work, visited her at the nursing home, it was he who lived far away and pulled the strings. BS

Granma Alice

It has finally happened, Granma Alice died. She would have been 100 on the 14th. My mom said she wanted to live to 100. I don't think anyone should wish for something like that. One should say, "I hope to live a long and happy life". My poor Granma has been in a nursing home for about 15 years, most of them not unpleasant, but not so pleasant either. She was artificially kept alive even after her mind shut down long ago. Please people let your loved ones know what you do or do not want done when the day comes you can no longer communicate. Write it down

I have told my family not to extend my life if there is no quality of life. I am not afraid of death and going to hell. We all go back to where we came from. Whatever that means....and please cremate my body and don't bury the ashes in a cemetery. Toss them into the Clancy Creek. Traditional funerals are so morbid, no thanks

I joke with my sister about her belief in ghosts. I tell her she had better come and haunt me if she dies before me and me her if I do. It was Granma that got her into the silly supernatural stuff. She read taro cards, had a money pyramid in her bedroom, books about haunting. Granma said her last husband visited her after he died. My sister said her father in-law appeared to her and her husband after he died. I am still waiting for such an experience. It will be interesting to see if my sister experienced anything this time. She hasn't called and admitted anything to me yet.

My Granma was very new age way before everyone else. She practiced Yoga and through mail order bought all kinds of herbal remedies and cures. My sister says she probably thinks that is why she grew to be so old. Maybe, but it didn’t help her brain cells survive. She was very concerned about her appearance, liked nice clothes and dyed her hair red until she couldn’t ask for it any longer. I remember telling her years ago when she first was in the nursing home, how nice her hair looked and liked the color. She looked at me, and said “I don’t color my hair?” I guess she forgot or thought it was something not to admit to. Funny.. I also remember her always commenting on everyone’s weight. I was the lucky one, I was always asked if I had lost weight. Everyone else and all of my siblings were told they looked they have put on a few pounds. Funny again.

It was strange, last Saturday when cleaning out my garage while listening to my ipod, I stopped twice, pulled out an ear-bud thinking I heard voices. It was later that evening I found out about Granma having died. It is funny how even someone like me can seem to think of unexplained sensations after the fact. I am sure it was nothing. Actually I hope not, to me it would be terrible if there were really ghosts hanging out and apparently for murdered folks some for hundreds of years. A real nightmare

Now I am sort of dreading the funeral this weekend. Most of my family are not religious, except my uncle who is very religious, or at least his wife is. They belong to a very conservative church and home schooled all four of their kids and I think both the girls are actively trying to "save souls" one in San Diego hanging out with the homeless and one even went to Africa.

Well anyway, at least the funeral will be at the senior center not a church. Yeah! It will be very hard for me not to roll my eyes every time someone will say “she is now in a better place“. Whatever... Or that she is in heaven, even though everyone who knows her can't honestly claim to know that. I don't think she was a Christian, but she did believe in an afterlife of some sort. Because of my uncle, there will probably be a preacher and prayer. The worst part during a traditional funeral is when the preacher stands up there and uses the opportunity to warn everyone they had better remember they too will die and had better get straight with Jesus now, because you don't know when that will happen. It could be any minute and if you don't get good with god right now, you could very well end up in hell before you know it. Pisses me off. And if someone sings Amazing Grace it will be very hard on me. I hate, I mean hate that song. Why would anyone think its a great song, who calls themselves a wretch? Its sickening, especially at a funeral.

I sit here this morning wondering if my uncle tried to “save” his mother. Was he successful? Was it too late, can one be “saved” while your mind is shutting down? I wouldn’t think it would be nice to try and convert an old lady trapped in a wheel chair would it? Maybe she did let Jesus into her heart just in time. Maybe she pretended, so as to make her son happy. Maybe she did it for real. We will never know. If she is in Heaven, is she 100? Forever? Is she there now, like so many people seem to say in obits, or will she have to wait till Judgment day? More questions than answers from the clergy.

Her mind began fail when I was pregnant with my son 16 years ago. I remember it because my mom had moved her into her house because they felt she could no longer live alone. She was not taking her meds and forgetting to eat. I remember Granma asking me the same question over and over again. She would ask me if I had morning sickness, then not even 10 minutes later she would ask it again. It was hard dealing with that. Her short term memory was so bad, I had an uncle who after awhile played games with her because what else can one do. He would every day he visited her, tell her one day he was the President, then a Navy Pilot or some other outlandish thing just to make it interesting. She did not even seem to notice or care. Sad but funny. Looking back now, I remember getting a post card from her while I will still in the Navy and overseas. I would send her cards from every country I visited. Her last postcard to me was signed “Your Great Aunt” That was when I first realized she was losing it. I was her first Grand Daughter. Over the years her memory receded by generations. No memory of my husband, my children, then me, then her children, then she thought my mom, her eldest daughter was her mother. She did resemble her, then finally only moments of recollection until the stroke. She loved her coffee 24/7. After the stroke she could no longer swallow and that was her last earthly enjoyment taken away.

The best part of the funeral will be seeing a whole bunch of relatives we have not seen in a long time, and will meet people who knew Granma I have never met.
We had planned on celebrating her 100th this weekend and had prepared a slideshow of old family pictures and play an old record made by her family. They all used to play an instrument and enjoyed evenings together making music. She loved Polka. So I am sure we will still do that. She was the oldest of three and the last one to die.
Her life started out in Minnesota, she was born in 1910 a Nelson, a full blood Norwegian. She almost died of the Spanish Flu when she was a little girl in Eastern Montana. She was a one room school teacher for a short while. Somehow she ended up in Seattle during the 2nd World War, where she met my grandfather Ray. Ray (full blood Finish) was in the Army. My Mom remembers living in Texas along side rattlesnakes and then taking a long boat ride to live in Japan during the American occupation post WWII. They ended up in California during the Vietnam war where Grandpa was a recruiter. It destroyed him. It kind of gets blurry for me at this junction. My family was not comfortable talking about this time period so it’s sketchy. Somehow after my dad met my mom in Montana and followed her to California, then got married in Montana…. nine months later, a week after I was born in Montana , grandpa took his own life. I know next to nothing about him, other than that he was wounded in combat during a ski patrol in Italy during WWII. It was logged they thought he was killed until he managed to drag himself back to camp later.

Grandma spent the rest of her long life an Army widow. She lived the rest of her life in the same old house built in 1935. Really an old shack with a few rooms added on. Her family had moved onto the Flathead Reservation after the “white man” decided the land was too valuable not to settle.

Granma later meet a man named Bill and they lived together until he died in 1980 (I think) They lived together and never married because if they did, she would lose her Army widow benefits. She lived out the rest of her rational life in St. Ignatius and lead a very quiet, uneventful life. She had three children by Ray, two girls and a boy very late. She was in her forties when she had him, and I heard she is in the medical records for having an unusually long pregnancy of 14 months? Hard to believe, I will have to verify that.

I know my version of her life is probably way wrong, and very different than I thought it was. So, at the funeral, I hope to get a few facts straight and to get to really know her better. It’s sad this seems to happen way too often, we wait till after someone dies before we try and understand the dead. For me she has been gone for a really long time, and the body that was in the nursing home was not her. The funeral will be a more of a celebration of her life rather than a tearful goodbye. I said goodbye to her long ago. Its sad I really didn’t know her, and I think I was one of her closest grandchildren. It’s really not my fault. She didn’t have much to say about anything. I don’t remember ever really having a conversation with her, or her with anyone else. Most of our time growing up was spent with the other grandparents. My other grandma is still alive and also in the same nursing home as Granma L was. Granma M is in her mid 90’s, still mentally here and doing ok for her age.
I told my kids last night, funerals and cemeteries are for the living not the dead. I think it will be their first funeral. We have been very lucky that way.

My sister just called, the obit is in the paper. I was surprised how accurate I was about her life in general. Thank goodness, it was a well written obit, a heavenly father was not mentioned.
I learned today, she did not want cremation and she will be buried at the Pleasant View Cemetery.
Next to her first husband or her companion? Another uncomfortable question for the clergy

I will let you know how it all goes down.

Survivor Fav

I know the topic seems different from most of the posts on this blog, but I was excited to see a Survivor contestant who has the word humanist in her profile. I will be cheering her on every Wednesday night. It will be an interesting show with her in it. Kelly is an amputee.
When she was asked who was inspiration in her life she said

"My father who was recently killed in the earthquake in Haiti. He was there with Food for the Poor to bring hope and aid to people less fortunate. My dad was a doctor, a teacher and a humanist. I most admired him and looked up to him for his willingness to help others. He lived his life to the fullest every single day. His legacy will be carried on by all of the lives he touched during his life. "

This brought tears to my eyes tonight. We humanists have heros out there too.